Everything Duluth 2008 :: Recent Entries

Title:	Half Voyageur Marathon 2009
Topics:	carlton, carlton minnesota, duluth minnesota, half voyageur marathon, minnesota
Date:	2009-07-11 @ 13:58
Security:	public
Location:	Duluth - Carlton, Minnesota, USA
Mood:	accomplished

So this was my first time running a trail marathon. I had never heard of this race before; things were getting a little boring for my summer and a week ago I was on marathon guide.com and discovered there was a marathon up here so I figured, this is my year for trying something different; why not? A lot of people get messed up on the title: it's a full 26.2 mile marathon but the Voyageur marathon is twice a marathon (26.2 miles and then you turn around and run 26.2 miles AGAIN - not for me!). So this was kind of the happy medium for people like me. This was the first marathon - fitness event, mind you, that challenged every aspect of my being: my lower body, obviously was challeged: my legs are killing me. My achilles tendon that I am always mindful of is in agony (but a few Tylenol 3 have done the trick). There are steep hills up and down (power lines they are called) that I had to use my upper body to climb up (and since I am so scared of falling and basically breaking my neck) I got on my hands and feet and crawled down frontwards! So my upper body was challenged big time. Thank God yesterday wasn't shoulder/chest day. At the halfway mark we were allowed to go through our drop bags for whatever we needed; and ditch a few things that we could then pick up at the finish line. I grabbed my iphone in case of any snafus during the rest of the race if I needed 911! But I also ditched the ipod - while my music is a big part of getting through a race, I needed my mind to be fully on focus of what I was doing. I had to work at something I don't have much experience with - watching the ground, watching what's up ahead, watching my feet, all at the same time, and most importantly, my stability - I can't risk turning my knee or messing up my ankle; nor can I risk tumbling down a hill, slipping on a wet rock and falling into the water and hitting my head, etc., so a lot of this was very careful and smart strategy rather than doing dumb 'see what happens' things - things that often get us injured and messed up enough to lay us up for weeks at a time. I am planning on working out tomorrow and I can attribute it to playing it smart. Also, I plan to run Park Point 5 miles on Friday. I kept these two things in mind while running this marathon.

The funny thing about a trail event is, while it was 26 miles, it did not feel like a full marathon. Because so much of it was uphill, we had to walk. Through the real rocky, tree stump and heavy roots part, we had to walk. It was like a very long nature hike. It goes through a part of Duluth that I know very little about (begins at the zoo - 72nd Ave West *we live near 36th Ave E* and goes to Carlton, MN *southbound, on the way to Minneapolis*). So it was a completely new experience, new direction, and it was a lot of fun. I think the people who warned me about how hard this race would be - I can see what they meant, but my guess is that they ran it the years that we had all the rain (there were two particular summers that come to mind where it basically rained from Memorial Day up until Halloween). I can see how those trails would be washed out compeltely and you would be up to your shins or waist in water had you fallen into it. Luckily this year I saw very little (if any) mud, and the only water was the couple of times we crossed via the rocks, but nothing to really worry about. NOW had it been one of those years where the trails were virtually washed out, and having to climb the hills like that, I would have been very, very nervous. But this wasn't like that, and I'm glad I signed up on a whim the way I did. If next year's weather is the same, I definitely will sign up for it again. It's the perfect time of year because with Grandma's over with, and nothing going on until October (Twin Cities) it's the perfect time to get some road work (and trail work) in and enjoy a nice summer day (and get a tan too!).

I really want to stress how friendly, helpful and encouraging the two race organizers are. They were at most of the aid stations and towards the end finish line too. They way they helped us out if we needed it; knowing us by first name, it's just something you don't see in larger scale marathons. It was refreshing.

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Title:	What is it about 35
Topics:	35, 35th birthday, birthday
Date:	2009-07-06 @ 13:47
Security:	public
Location:	Duluth, Minnesota, USA

I'm 35. July 6th, 1974: 1:00 pm; I entered this world. 35 years later I'm sitting at Duluth's version of Mel's Diner (my hangout here) and pondering what all this means, what the big deal is about 35 (anyone who watched Sex and the City with Carrie's 35th birthday and how awful it was)...I dreaded this day. I don't know why. I don't feel any older. I look much younger than other people my age because I work out a lot and take care of myself and never smoked, etc...but no matter how you slice it, I'm 35. 35 is not 25. Which can be looked at two ways: THANK GOD because 25 was not good either, and freaking out because I haven't accomplished much this far in my life which I am ashamed of. I'm embarrassed because I don't really know anyone in Duluth so it's a nice way of basically saying I have no friends here and have nobody to do anything with, so it scares me that unless something happens to me, this is what the next 40 years is going to be like. I have no kids and no boyfriend, and that doesn't appear to be changing anytime soon, so this is my life. It could be a lot better but it could be a lot worse. It messes with your head because you have all these conflicting feelings: I hate living here sometimes because I feel like I will never meet anyone and thus be happy; at the same time my parents are here and they're all I got so I couldn't picture being anywhere else.

This birthday hit on the wrong day. A Monday, and a Monday where the next day I have to wake up at 4:30 am to work, workout, teach two fitness training sessions and I havent' done two back to back for a while. I've never understood birthdays. If anything it's the mom who should be celebrating because she's the one who had to sweat out however many hours of labor that one day, I just was the one who was the end result of all those hours of labor. I don't remember it - but she does! The other thing is that I am now older than my mom was when she gave birth to me (29) and about the same age as my dad was (35) which to me is weird - when I look at my baby pictures and see my parents in them I don't see them as people in my age bracket - if that makes any sense. Had I not been gay, and had I had a life like my dad, I would have been married for 9 years (they married 7/15/1965) and father to three kids aged 9, 10 and a newborn baby). I've always learned never to compare my life to straight people because of simple numbers (gay men only make up 2% of the population, non-gay people are about 95% - obviously our lives are going to be much more frustrating and full of waiting, disappointment, and frankly, nothing happening for years at a time) - I'm sure living proof of that since my last relationship (1996).

It's hard because I think...35...okay, I should have the answers by now. If I had a kid I would be helping him/her with homework and I should know things that dads would know, but I don't. I have a college degree and years of experience in fitness training but I don't feel like I've accomplished anything that would make people say 'wow'. Part of it is because years ago I realized I would never have kids, it would be unlikely that I would ever meet anyone, so naturally my focus turned to me and doing what I wanted for myself - I have no dependents and nobody to really look out for other than myself, so while other people HAD to go on to masters degrees and higher, I didn't - why? I don't want a car - I don't really want a house - I'm content with a realtively simple life with a few fun things to do each year. In that respect I have enough for the things I need. I'm lucky enough to have a living situation where I can do the things I love doing without worrying too much about anything bad happening. But if I were to live anywhere else that would all change, and because of that, I don't think I'd ever move from here as much as I complain about nothing (socially or romantically) happening here. But it's been 13 years. Now I'm used to this - this is normal. I wouldn't even know what to do if I met the kind of guy I'm looking for (that's a whole other story).

The kids who were born the year I graduated from Central (1992) will be seniors in high school this coming year. I don't like that feeling. LOL. It's crazy because I'm on the cusp of understanding what people say when they think 'where did all this time go' and 'why did I waste all these opportunities'? Of course much of it was not feeling like I had the self-esteem to try and the other was I had no money to pay for anything (which is another down side of being single; you are on your own totally and have nobody else to help out when you need it). My horoscope basically told me to get it together and realize that the only person that will pull me into the kind of life I'm looking for is me, to forget the 'perfect guy' I've sought after since 1996; I'm the only one who can help myself now and although that seems like an impossible mountain to climb (especially now with no jobs here) somehow I still believe that I can do it. I just have to be willing to understand that it's going to take much, much longer than I originally expected.

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Title:	My Pride 2009
Topics:	duluth, gay, gay duluth, pride 2009, stonewall 40th
Date:	2009-06-28 @ 11:33
Security:	public
Location:	Duluth, Minnesota, USA
Mood:	PRIDE 09

I didn't go to Minneapolis for the Parade. I haven't done that in nearly ten years. I didn't make it to New York City for the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, but that would have been an interesting experience. Possibly. So how did I spend this long-awaited, highly-publicized event in the gay community? I spent it in Duluth, with no gay people around me, doing what I normally do on the weekend - marathon long workout sessions and then relaxing afterwards at my favorite cafe. Doing what I always do. A few days ago I was disappointed that I didn't have the money to travel anywhere to really make something out of this year and the experience that might have been in one of these events, but it dawned on me today as I was talking to a few friends at the fitness center: THIS is what the generations of gay people before me fought for. For us to be able to be treated like human beings, included as friends and greeted with respect. I realized that I didn't need to go anywhere to celebrate Pride. I was experiencing the true meaning of it right here.

This is also my own 'anniversary' of Pride: October 1989, I came out to my mom and dad, and later on to my principal at the time (this was 9th grade - a shocking thing to do as a 9th grader, but I've always been so sure of what I've felt, there was no doubt in my mind that I was gay. There was no confusion). Twenty years of being out. Way more than half of my life has been 'everyone's business' and at times I've hated that; other times I am glad that I came out and got it over with early because it got me used to making it clear to people (who asked) that this is who I am, I am one of very few people in Duluth who will tell you very matter of factly what my experiences have been like, the people in my life who have been angels on earth (such as my mom and dad; without them I would have nothing - no self-esteem, no confidence to try - I thank God that I was born to the parents I had. I know so many people whose parents checked out of their childs life completely after learning of their being gay). I never felt as if I had anything to lose by being honest, so that's pretty much how I've been the whole time. I never had a lot of friends that I would consider extremely close, so I figured anyone who has stuck around this long and still is interested in talking must be open minded enough to hear what I have to say, and to those people I say thank you. Because someday you will have something either in your own life or in your child's life that will make you very afraid to trust other people - and I hope my stories reassure you that there are many people out there who are more accepting and open minded than you think. You just have to give them the chance to hear you out.

I think the majority of the 20 years I've been out have also brought about another side of my personality that I don't like talking about but as I get older it's harder to hide: a sense of loss, a sense of profound depression and sometimes anger towards the lack of connection I have to any gay community. I have tried in various cities, and have not succeeded. What I realized is that, as gay people, we are all walking wounded from the shit we've been told when we grew up: we are nobody, we will never be happy, we should be ashamed to be alive, we should get AIDS and die, we don't deserve happiness, etc. For someone to hear these things during the beginning of their adolescence, it's no wonder that most of us check out emotionally at about 12 or 13 and that's about where we stop developing. It's too painful to confront these feelings because they require social and emotional readiness that most 30-40 year olds haven't developed yet. A child still does not have those survival skills yet. So it's easy to turn to drugs. Or drinking. And it's very easy to look at other gay people as disgusting. So rather than embracing each other and loving each other, gay men attack each other and have consequently become more isolated from each other than ever. In 1996, AOL (among the gay community) promised to 'take down the walls' that prevented gay people from meeting each other. The chat rooms and forums seemed promising because other than the bars and personal ads it was downright impossible to meet other guys. The interent was this ticket to a promised land...however, 13 years later I see something quite different. I see many young gay men who have no intentions of ever coming out, they would rather watch the gay world from their computers, then when they're done, turn off the computer and get back to their 'lives' - but their real lives are at home, hiding. There is a myth that people are coming out much earlier today. The reality is that there are many more who are postponing their coming out by 10-15 years or more because they get a taste of what's waiting for them on the other side of the closet and they say 'forget it!' - they want no part of it (I really can't blame them; I often feel the same way). But eventually it all does come out, pun intended, and coming out at 45-50 is very, very difficult as I have observed. That will be the future for the 20-40 year olds of today who aren't saying a word. Trying to have a relationship for the first time at 45 is almost doomed from the beginning. Good luck even finding one.

The other big difference I have seen in this short time is that the traditional cities that young gay men had flocked to in the past (New York, Chicago, LA, San Francisco, Minneapolis, Miami, etc) have had two strong hits against them that has dramatically reduced the number of gay men arriving there. One is that these cities are all so expensive that most people can not afford to move there. In 2009 many of us couldn't afford to leave our current living situations even if we wanted to. But these cities have become so expensive that many people are having to leave and try to start over somewhere else. When your job is gone and your rent is $1300 a month with no luck in finding roommates, chances are you aren't going to go through that again in a similar city. The other thing is, again, the internet. One good thing is that young gay men are seeing firsthand via chatrooms and forums what life is really like in these cities, once seen as 'the grass is greener' cities; there may be no gay guys in Duluth, for example, but in Minneapolis, it's basically the same thing multiplied by ten...if you're having no luck finding anyone here, it's not going to be any different anywhere else. What I learned is that it's NOT the city you are living in. It's the general mood of gay men in this society and what we've been led to believe. If there was some perfect place where we all were nice to each other, housing was affordable, and relationships were just waiting for us to get there, then we'd all be living there. But I've talked to guys in Manhattan who have never met anyone at all - and they've been out as long as I have. I've talked to guys in San Francisco who have told me that the city is nothing like what many of us imagined with gay pride flags everywhere and basically a gay paradise. It's all financial analyists, lawyers and other white collar executives. The artsy, free spirits are long gone - they can't afford it. So it's nice that many of us are living in the cities we were raised in (like Duluth) but the hard part is that we are no longer concentrated in certain cities which makes it all the more difficult to find each other.

The one thing gay men have never developed (as a people) are roots - ties to any community for years and years. If, in fact, this is changing, and, let's say, I can put down my 'roots' in Duluth and as a gay man, someday say, this is MY community too, I've lived much of my life here and I demand to be heard, then I believe I will be taken seriously. Up until now it's been common to see most gay men live in one city for two years, leave, then do the same thing over and over again...never staying anywhere long enough to really make a difference or feel welcomed to be where he is. If that changes, I think we will finally see a sense of stability in our communities.

I saw a great quote that is very fitting towards hateful people who use religion as a tool against gay and lesbian people (my sister is one of these nutcases, so are a few people that I know of in Duluth here), ex-Miss California, the reverend that was trapsing around with Obama, the Westboro Phelps Klan, Focus on the Family fool Dobson, etc....

'The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. An Evil soul, producing holy witness, is like a villain with a smiling cheek; a goodly apple rotten at the heart'
- Shakespeare

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Title:	5/31/09 Two photos after the Minneapolis Marathon!
Date:	2009-05-31 @ 21:59
Security:	public

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Title:	Yank Me Outta This!
Topics:	apple iphone
Date:	2009-05-11 @ 14:33
Security:	public
Location:	Duluth, MN

I'm having one of those emotionally conflicting days that makes me think so many contradictory thoughts it's almost exhausting. One is this realization that no matter how much I work out, how much I take care of myself and how hard I try to do the right thing, nobody notices. I know it's childish to expect validation through these things but...as a gay person, for example, my romantic prospects involve 2% of male society (otherwise known as a shot in hell when it comes to ever meeting someone). It's hard to finally come to grips with the reality that what I wanted so much (a relationship with someone I was crazy about, masculine, young, healthy, sporty; isn't going to happen. I've looked for so long, that if you were to add up all the years I've tried it would be the age of a middle school student. I don't get excited anymore when I see someone who I find attractive because he's never gay. The ones who are gay are so predictable and stereotypical that I feel nothing because I've faked interest so many times with gay guys when the truth was there was no interest at all but I was lonely and figured this was better than nothing. But it's oddly liberating and terrifying when looking at my future: nil chance of even finding a boyfriend, can't be a parent; what's my purpose? And what fun is going through life when you already know it's just going to be you and only you, when everyone around you has lives so opposite that there's nothing really to talk about in common? Most straight people I know, if this situation were reversed, would never survive my life. They couldn't handle being childless and single for life because they thrive on attention. My situation is out of my hands. I didn't choose it; I can't control it. When I came out as gay this was the last thing I expected (13 years of nothing; all I've missed out on and how that messed up my self esteem).

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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Title:	The YWCA, gay men, gay women, and working together
Date:	2009-05-09 @ 11:00
Security:	public

This week I found a question online about friendships between gay men and gay women (I would use lesbian as a term but I find that using 'gay' creates less confusion across the board). I'm one of the few younger gay people who has kept up on gay history, is interested in learning more, and talking to those who were around when we couldn't talk about it - at all - even to each other. My mom's cousin, who was a professor in English at the City College of San Francisco, was basically my role model. Because of her, I came out at 14. I knew Peggy was gay and knew what that meant from the time I was very young. While I have typically heard stories of how awful life was for young gay males, I had no idea how equally difficult life was for gay females as well - other girls pick up very quickly on girls who are 'different', and I am sure the harrassment from boys is relentless at times. Luckily for her, at the time, Duluth had an all-girls grade 7-12 school at St. Scholastica (Stanbrook Hall High School) and St. Scholastica was all girls. And yes, she has some very interesting and hilarious stories about the nuns!

I'm not going to name the names of my closest friends and their personal lives, but I will describe some of their experiences in vague terms to explain that our struggle is very similar across gender lines. We may be different as to how involved we are politically, but that has a strong history. Gay women still have a lot of momentum from the women's rights movement of the 1960's and 1970's; gay men are still having a difficult time organizing and sticking with a plan. The introduction of AIDS to our community briefly brought us together in ways that we never would have connected before, but that didn't seem to last more than a decade or so. I was thinking the other day about this, and this is sad: it is very difficult to get a large group of gay men together, to just talk, where there is no alcohol, no dance music, no drugs, no smoking, no dark rooms, no closed blinds. We are getting there, but it's still very tough. The internet, God bless it, was originally (1995-96) going to be this great thing that took down all the walls that prevented gay men from finding each other, because previously it was next to impossible - at bookstores, libraries, coffee shops, etc., it was very difficult because often times both men were, in fact, gay, but neither one was willing to make the first move, or both misinterpreted the glance for a glare and figured the other guy didn't like him. The internet, nearly 15 years later and lots of chat rooms/personal sites, has proven that our problem wasn't necessarily 'walls and barriers' but the development of adult social skills to have those healthy connections to begin with. The internet provides a dialogue, and it provides a fantasy, but in terms of real life, there is a real disconnect when it comes to meeting each other. We don't know what to say or how to act.

Gay women seem to have a different way of doing this. I think that their advantage has to do with being females, who have been raised to be more social and interested in friendships and emotional connectedness - however, I have listened to many unhappy gay women who discovered that what they assumed was a budding relationship was only a developing friendship with a woman who definitely was not gay, but the lines are much more blurred - if you don't flat out ask her if she is gay, you have to search around in the dark and hope you get the answer you want. Because of this, gay women often find friendships with women who are not gay (which is great) but it is still frustrating because they wanted much more while the other woman just saw this as another friendship. With gay men, it's VERY clear - sure, we have straight male friends, but the boundaries and understandings are clear from day one - you know if he is or isn't gay, and you go from there.

In the past, there has been a sense of gay men and gay women living in very different lives (mostly politically); what has been forgotten so quickly was that, for a lot of young gay men 30 years ago who were dying from AIDS, whose families (and so-called gay male friends) had completely abandoned them, gay women often were our caretakers. They were the only people left in the world who weren't afraid to touch us, hold our hands, be around these young men who were wasting away from such a controversial virus that came with so many superstitious lies; they stood in the waiting rooms to learn about our coniditons, some who were asked 'are you family?' and then told they couldn't come see us. Others, later on, learned how to play the game and say they were our sisters (which they are, in my opinion). I will always rememeber this and be thankful that we had SOMEONE around for us. Those of us who are in that age group in 2009 forget quickly that 30 years ago, if we were the same age, it could just as easily been us in those hospital beds.

I mention the YWCA because they had their annual 5k run for breast cancer awareness and research today. It's an important cause to be a part of and stay interested in. Like AIDS for gay men, for whatever reason, many gay women are affected by breast cancer, and like gay men, they don't have anyone to help out when they are recovering. Many did not have children. Many do not have a partner or a parent to help them recover at home. It's only right that gay men help out as much as we can or at least make it known that we are here if we are needed in any way. I wanted to go to this event to make that clear, to express my appreciation for the gay women who've helped us out without being asked, and that at least I am aware of the growing rate of breast cancer and why research into women's health is so important. Unfortunately, I felt like a lot of these women didn't know I was gay and kind of had this 'why is there a guy at a breast cancer event' look when they saw me. I may be gay, but I'm still a guy. And no matter what we do, it seems like it's always assumed that we are there to gawk or something. I felt really misunderstood and, frankly, uncomfortable. I know that breast cancer means breasts (duh) which is a very imtimate thing for a woman, especially the thought of losing one or both, and I don't know, maybe that is something that is best left to women to discuss among themselves. I have no idea what that would be like (I'm not implying that breasts are the only thing that make a female a female, but having to comtemplate having your anatomy changed and cut apart has to be very traumatic...and I think that is something that only other women would understand)...so I guess my point is that I'm here to help, I'll stay out of the real personal stuff, but if you need anything, let me know.

We are one people: gay (male or female). We've both been told that who we are, at the very core, is disgusting. That our sexuality deserves nothing but condemnation and ridicule and judgment; just having to experience those things whether male or female should bring us past our genders and understand what it's like to love someone of the same sex and how different that makes us in society (yet how similar that makes us in relation to each other).

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Title:	How about calling it The 2009 Flu?
Date:	2009-04-29 @ 14:14
Security:	public

All this ridiculous debate over 'swine flu' and 'Mexican flu' (okay, that's not cool to call it that). Anyways, talking to a lot of people I know in health care, it sounds like this is only the beginning, but stressing...don't panic. Hard not to do, especially if you've read up on the history of outbreak and illness. Last year I read the book 'And The Band Played On' (it's almost 400 pages - but it's an important read) which goes into great detail about the panic about the early days of HIV/AIDS, how 2-3 cases quickly turned into 20, and the reactions people had about the virus. I recently saw a post online that said 'how come they want to quarantine those with swine flu, but not HIV/AIDS?'. Well, let's see...swine flu is contagious in ways that HIV is not - casual contact, air, touching surfaces, etc...it amazes me that almost 35 years after the real beginning of HIV as we know it, people still think that you can get it from hugging, shaking hands, those sorts of things. Of course that lying bag of pigshit Reagan who said nothing about AIDS for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS (1980-1987) didn't help either - because young gay men dying didn't seem too important to him and his religious cronies. Meanwhile the virus, which could have been slowed down somewhat, only exploded throughout the gay community in the 80's, drug users and prostitutes in the 90's, and now the black community (and in Canada, the Native Canadian tribes in the '00's. Washington, D.C. has an HIV+ rate so high that it's now at 3% of the District's population. Health departments are saying this is comparable to HIV rates in western African nations. 80-85% of early 2009 infections are among black females aged 14-40.

Anyways, getting back to me (lol). I've been feeling so tired lately, I was hoping that I wasn't getting rundown and sick again. I think it's just a lot on my plate...my summer is going to be busy with a lot of fitness training...I am going to be doing small group personal training at the fitness center, which seems to be the 'next big thing' now that most people are unable to afford personal 1 on 1 training these days; my proposal is to cap the group off at 10, and use the hour for weight training, cardio (jump ropes, steps, running, etc...this summer will be a 'beta session' where we will go for the 12 weeks and chart each participants progress and see how they do by the end of the summer). This is kind of what I've been waiting to do, because no other place in Duluth is offering this, and I've been studying up on it, and if this is a success, next fall I plan to really market it to other places.

I have also lost my mind when it comes to the 26 mile races (marathons). For '09, I am doing four so far: Minneapolis Marathon (5.31.09); Grandma's Marathon (6.20.09), Twin Cities Marathon (10.4.09) and my first-ever Chicago Marathon (10.11.09). I am tempted, if I have the money and place to stay, to make this a real challenge and run the Detroit Marathon (10.18.09) but that is REALLY REALLY pushing it even for me. I don't want to come back hlose ere dead or so injured that I can't do anything for months. But when I'm on a roll, and especially if it means going on trips, I lose all my scruples. My mind is on finisher shirts and medals, and the excitement of running a marathon in two cities I've never been to before (Chicago and Detroit; not the most glamourous cities, but it means getting out of Duluth which is okay with me!). And who knows? I am trying to adopt the attitude that, any chance I can get out of here for a while, might bring me into contact with new people and who knows where that might lead me to. I'm excited.

The weather sucks outside. It's grey and cold. It's been like 88 degrees in New York City, 100 in Phoenix, and 37 in Duluth. So (I'm at 'my place' - Bixby's Cafe in Woodland Ave in Duluth) and it's time to head on home...'til tomorrow...

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Title:	Follow up to the artice posted
Date:	2009-04-26 @ 10:59
Security:	public

One thing people don't realize is that I remember everything and everybody from the day I started nursery school. I remember every name, everything they said about me and the sweet justice today (now everyone's fat and I'm in the best shape of my life).

This is interesting that I finally get to talk about this part of my life, especially after joining Facebook, where a lot of my former classmates might be reading this. If not, it's a good exercise for me to see how far I've come since then.

Like these two boys, I was about 11 when I 'knew'. I grew up with a gay aunt; sexual orientation didn't need any code words or shame in our house. It was understood very early on that I was gay - there was no sitting anyone down saying they've got some news about me. School was a different story completely. My grades were great - in fact I had one of the best report cards in my class at Washburn Elementary in Duluth. Then I rememeber that one day - it was in February because we were handing out Valentine's Day cards, and we now ate lunch in those portable classroom things. Bill Gange, a classmate of mine sitting across from me (I hated this kid) said that I 'must have AIDS because I keep starting at other boys'. Whether or not this was contained to this group of hockey players and their friends, my secret was out. While it was no secret at home, I knew what kinds of kids I went to school with. They wouldn't understand. AIDS was at it's worst; AIDS was sqaurely placed on gay men's identities, and at the time the public believed that we deserved what we got. I was reminded of this many times after that lunchroom incident. I've read numerous stories about this where the kid ended up not being gay. So in his mind, it wasn't about him at all. But for me, I WAS. It was extremely personal. I was sexually violated during a time in my life where I needed to still figure a lot of things out, I was completely walled off from other gay people (and I still am!), and while I had great support at home, I had nothing once I walked out that front door. I started to hate school. I cried in class. All I could think about was how to kill myself. This lasted for the next ten years. At least.

Since this was in 5th or 6th grade, I just told my parents what was up and what my plans were. I was scheduled to go to Woodland or Ordean for junior high, and with those kids coming along, that was more than I could handle. My grades were fantastic and I was very excited to be starting 7th grade at Marshall School, which ran from 7-12th grade. I could finish high school there. These would be kids from all over Duluth and Superior. Who knows, I thought, mabye I'll find someone just like me there. A year into my experience there, I found nobody like me - instead I found a lot of people like Bill Gange, the same assholes who found it funny that I was gay, and that jerkoff of a counselor, John McAllister, who basically told me that being gay was my own fault and I should figure out how to not be gay. Mind you, with each incident, my schoolwork took second priority. Now it was surviving the school day. And what the hell am I going to do now - Marshall was a very bad idea. My only option now was to go to Washingtion Junior High School, where I didn't know anyone. The only reason I went there was because my mom (who is a marriage and family counselor) had a collegue who was a staff member at Washington who could perhaps be of help to me if I needed it. I accepted this with a new attitude - the summer before starting Washington I got into this fitness kick and lost a ton of weight, changed my hair, changed my appearance, changed just about everything. I felt like a new person. September arrived and my self-esteem was at it's highest.

Then the new shitheads arrived. Gina Perfetti. Leon Rodriguez. Kim Stahl. Jason Almos, who was one of the worst - called me every name in the book. I remember his parents died and I was happy (I felt bad about that later - but at the time, I felt like 'good - serves that fat-ass son of a bitch right). I remember Gina Perfetti saying that (when I changed art classes "look! We have another fag in the class!). She was also referring to Chris Selleck, a friend of mine to this day. I have hated her ever since. Gina was just one of a few people who made these homophobic comments on a daily basis. Then I read in the News Tribune she got a degree working with children (teaching or something) and I was partly humored - this prejudiced bitch is working with children? I hope she's changed her attitude. I remember Kody Vedder, who called me and a few other boys 'faggots' all the time. Now she is a cop for the Hermantown Police Department (odd because the stereotype for female cops is that they're all gay). It amazes me that these same people who were prejudiced, bigoted, hateful young adults now are in positions of authority. I hope to God they have changed and they aren't harming other children's self-esteem. If I had a child or a nephew/niece and Gina was the assigned teacher, I'd have my kid pulled from her class and I'd describe, in explicit terms, why. It has been my experience that biased people - whether they are racist, homophobic, sexist, whatever - if that's in their personality in young adulthood it's usually there for life. You can't scrub bias out of people's consciousness or personality. So even though I was rarely 'targeted' at Washington or Central (most of these kids were blue collar West End people with no money; I grew up in the very wealthy Congdon neighborhood, so maybe some of it was resentment that I had come from a very affluent area while they didn't)...so I didn't see most of those kids after that. But it left a lifelong impression of specific kids.

Then came Central. My counselor, Daphne Steele, and principal, Lynn Hudnall, were great. As for other students, I never met anyone gay there until I was on AOL one day, and Zach Dubbell, this kid who wasn't much of anything, sent me a message online. I knew him but didn't 'know' him, so I had him meet me at the lounge at work (the YWCA). He realized that I knew him and a lot of other kids from Central, told me to promise him I'd never tell anyone (never say that to me cuz I will tell everyone - I did this because I knew beforehand he was a closet case flake who'd never speak to me again anyways). Later I found out he was a bartender in Minneapolis at the Gay 90's who also ended up with a horrendous drug problem - heroin, meth, cocaine, you name it - this was a far cry from the in-shape Zach in my gym class. But again, he was a jerk to me and never even acknowledged me after I discovered his 'secret' - but I was gay too! These experiences hardended me. Piss me off and I don't care what happens to you (addictions, HIV, deaths, loss, whatever - too bad for you...you get one chance with me and if you blow it, don't come to me for support again). I'm still like that.

All this time I had thought about suicide as a back door - like an emergency exit - if things got really bad - I could always go for it. Why not? I'll never meet anyone special. I'll never have a family. I can't have kids. Who would notice or care? I don't want to spend my life alone anyways, and that's how things were starting to look. I gave myself permission to consider suicide if things got too bad in life.

I found support in unlikely places at Central and I continue - to this day - to try not to judge a book by it's cover. The Native American kids were my best friends. The black kids were extremely nice to me. The kids whose parents were drunk all the time, the kids who were living in shelters, the kids who were called 'burnouts' - all these kids honed in that I was different, I was suffering inside, I was in pain and I was always sad...THESE KIDS CARED. These were the kids who made me want to be there because they remembered my name and all they asked of me was that I was nice to them and I got the same in return. I learned quickly that you do, in fact, find support in places you never thought before or possibly never thought to look. Unfortunately these kids were often transient and they and (usually their moms) would leave within a few days' notice. I never knew why. And I never heard from them again. But I don't know, just the idea that they were there for a while and they were kind to me - that was important. I still see some of them downtown and I talk to them. We have very different lives but that doesn't matter. We connected because of similar life circumstances and I want teens today to understand that you never know where your support system will come from - in a society that has become SO looks-oriented you will be surprised to find out who your true friends are...and many times they are there for you exactly when you need them. And you find that they need you too.

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Title:	They're back
Topics:	apple iphone
Date:	2009-04-14 @ 14:13
Security:	public
Location:	Duluth, MN

Normally I wouldn't post this but these dreams are coming back, and I am not really much of a dreamer (meaning dreams I vividly remember with certain people in them with almost...a continuation of where they left off.

I write about 'him' a lot because it probably was the most meaningful relationship I've ever had and yet it ended in such a mystery...so these dreams are ones where I'm always confronted somehow with him but in the dreams he is just as evasive as he was in real life. It's like I'm still trying to get him to talk, to let his guard down, to...I don't know...make him appear again in real life. I only got to that point with him once...in real life his sister told me that he was like that...he'd get into a fight and if he got punched he'd just stand there with no reaction. He kept to himself and there were two very separate parts to him; the smiling grown up who still had the smile that I later learned about...an orphanage smile from South America with big brown eyes that had seen things he couldn't ever talk about ...but also eyes and a smile that said 'you have to like me! You have to get me out of here!' A 7 year old boy who had the luck of being adopted by a wealthy white Canadian family; well meaning suburban Catholics who heard about these children whose parents were all massacared in a long Colombian civil war; many had been wandering the streets and looking for food anywhere. At age 5. He was one of those children. He had scars on his chin and forehead that painted a very clear story of what he had survived...and then arriving to a new country, new family, new school when he only knew Spanish and was the only Latino child in the whole school. He told me once about this. I was told not to bring up the past or ask about anything related to it again. I respected that but the avoidance only fascinated me more. I know a lot about having to hide who you really are and pretend in order to get through. It's not much fun.

Months of having this best friend turned boyfriend or lover or I don't know what it was went by and we had so much fun. I never had anyone to just hang out with and feel normal and go places together (neither did he). I was then invited to meet his parents for Thanksgiving dinner. Now, one major difference: it was understood early on that I was gay. My parents have always been terrific and matter of fact; no sitting people down and 'there's something you need to know about Jon' conversations. It was not a shameful topic, nor was being gay the ONLY thing to me, I guess I took that for granted and never realized how lucky I was and also that very few others had this same experience. I remember telling 'him' about that and as we drove up to his familys house I assumed they knew.

It was during the meal, at this huge table, I quickly realized the dynamics of this family. Two Latino children who were here because the parents must have been told they couldn't naturally conceive; turns out that was incorrect after seeing the other two biological children, about a decade younger, coming in. It was very clear to me which kids believed this was their house and which ones were subtly reminded they were just lucky to be there. It was so obvious to me that I had no appetite. Now I understood why, once again, this smiling orphan with the beautiful smile was saying to me 'get me out of here!'. Chronologically we were almost exactly the same age but seeing how sheltered and closed off he was, there was no way he could handle being on his own in Downtown Winnipeg. He'd get robbed in a second. So...Thanksgiving, we sat at the table (in hindsight I can't imagne what this family was thinking with their 21-year-old son with a 21-year-old guy coming to Thanksgiving dinner. I didn't have to wonder for long. He came out to them, and announced I was his boyfriend just like that. I wanted to sink into the floor. I was a little upset that he brought me along to tell his parents he was gay, without letting me know this was the plan. I still would have gone with, but to be put on the spot - and to see the obvious disapproval on their faces (which, to this day has not changed - they no longer acknowledge having a son). That's the major source of these dreams - no clue where he is, he has had no contact with these fairweather parents (or me) for a decade and nobody has any idea where he is and I seem to be the only one who cares and wants to find him. So these dreams all revolve around this hope of finding him with the promise of never losing touch. Then I wake up and realize this was all a dream.

( Read more... )

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Title:	Waiting
Topics:	apple iphone
Date:	2009-04-05 @ 11:59
Security:	public
Location:	Duluth, MN

So I got on this kick of whining about how I don't have a significant other, which, if you know me, this happens at least a couple times a year if not more. I know that it's not necessarily me that's the problem, it has more to do with the fact that gay people make up only 2-3% of the population, and the odds of finding someone who not only is gay, but I click with and have the same values and goals as; I'd have more luck seeing a unicorn running on one of the treadmills at the fitness center.

Then for some reasons I was looking at opportunities in Hennepin County and out of curiousity I went to the adoption page. And yes, single gay men can adopt. The nice thing about Minnesota is that more people have been educated and enlightened that not all gay people are deviant savages out to get other peoples kids. We even possess the power to love and even parent! So I looked - all those pictures, all those stories of children, all of whom were black, Latino, mixed race - makes no difference to me. It broke my heart to see how many of these kids NEED a sense of family. A single parent is better than their current situation. I had a hard time processing from these smiling faces just what happened - and worse, how long they've been waiting and what's happened to them in the meantime. For the older children (born between 1992-2002) I'm surprised how well most are doing in school consdering their family structure is unclear. Some know they have siblings in other cities, others don't want to be split up...in the meantime I have no idea what their lives are like or if the biological parents are even in the picture (or what happened to cause them to lose their kids). My only problem with this kind of adoption is that I would need a guarantee that legally this is iron clad, that the parent can't suddenly show up and leave with the child. That would absolutely devastate me. And I've heard of scenarios where this happens (not recently) but again, I know myself well enough where that legal binding guarantee would have to be there. That's why I'm looking at Hennepin County - I would never adopt within 100 mile radius of Duluth for that very reason. And while I don't know much about the schools here anymore, I would need to do the research to find out what the most culturally diverse/supportive schools are. I've learned that 'culturally diverse' is more than the physical makeup of students backgrounds - what kind of programs does the school offer? How experienced are the teachers? How well performing are the schools? I would want my child to be comfortable at their school but the reality for the youngest kids today is that college will be a must - the equivalent of todays high school diploma - the school has to be one that will prepare them for the real college experience. Most schools aren't doing that which is why the freshman dorms at UMD free up so many rooms after fall semester because the shock causes the dropout rate to be so high. Easy A's in high school end up working their butts off for a C+ in the university level. Much more difficult.

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